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Congratulations: you have survived to adulthood despite your best youthful efforts not to. Now that you're a grown man, there are certain standards you must live by lest you be mistaken for a Seth Rogan character. It's not that substituting a wine bottle for a rolling pin or using a shot glass to measure tablespoons doesn't work, it's just that it looks a hell of a lot less suave when your girlfriend comes over. And if you're going to the trouble of cooking for her, you damn well want her to...
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